A few sundry things, and one big one
Nov. 9th, 2024 11:28 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
shivverIt's been an eventful week, and I really need to get my thoughts down. In the ongoing saga of work, my former company did another round of layoffs, due to the major client (the big company that keeps reorganizing and cutting departments) cutting even more people.
My husband has survived the latest round, but now it's almost guaranteed that he'll be cut at the beginning of the year. Basically, his project is for the minor client who is funded by the major client... or I should say was funded by the major client, who just cut them as well. They are able to pay for my husband and two other people, but not for very long.
So, my former company, which at one time employed over sixty people, is down to about a dozen, and over half of that is staff, meaning, people who are not paid for by clients. The company is not actively looking for new clients because it's the end of the year, and is planning to start searching in January. Honestly, if they do manage to land a client, I have no idea how they're going to staff the project, with no engineers left.
Anyway, that's been the major downer. The other news is that I quit the trad jazz band I've been playing with for the past year and a half.
(Long rant behind the cut...)
The band is run (sort of) by Tim, the conductor of the very casual concert band that I've played with for the past dozen years or so. He and two other guys, Jeff and Charles, started it in like 2019 or so out of jam sessions they were having at the local Elks' lodge. At this point, the only original members of the band that are still there are Tim, Jeff, and Jeff's wife Tamara - all of the others have rotated out for various reasons.
Tim invited me to join the band when their clarinet player, Trish, had to leave due to medical issues, and that was around the beginning 2023. I told him at the time that I'm not all that great a clarinet player and that I know nothing about jazz, and that with a full-time job, I don't have all that much time to practice. He was fine with that: it's just a jamming band, nothing serious, and as long as I was willing to learn, I'd be welcome. So I said okay.
I started playing with them and learning jazz, and it was a lot of fun, though very difficult for me, as a musician trained on classical music. I've found that I do have some instinct that I can use, listening to chord progressions and having a pretty good idea of what I can improvise to fit, but of course, I'm not all that great at it - but I was learning and improving. I remember in each of the first few gigs that I played in, through 2023, I had a couple of songs where I was playing the lead (the melody) and usually one song where I had an improv solo.
And I've been trying. I've been practicing more (though nowhere near enough), meeting up with Tim for instruction, and taking a jazz music class with a local teacher. Tim's been working with me on some problem areas, though he's not a woodwind expert and really wanted me to take lessons from a clarinet specialist.
Thing is, though, things have changed in the past year. I haven't had a lead or a solo in months, and it's became very apparent why: Jeff doesn't like the way I play and so he's doing every passive-aggressive thing he can to keep me from playing.
So here's why it finally came to a head. Back in July, we started working on a particular song and Tim assigned me lead on it, and it was the only song in the set that I would have lead or solo on. In each rehearsal, we were playing it with me on lead, and I was focusing on practicing it at home. Jeff and Tam went on vacation, and at the first rehearsal when they came back, Jeff claimed the lead on the song. I went and talked to him afterwards and said that I don't have anything to do in this set, so could I please take lead on that song, especially since I'd been working on it. He said, "No, it's okay, I've got it," as if I had offered to take a burden off him and he was doing me a favor by doing it himself, and he wouldn't even look at me while saying this.
Okay, fine, I tried but there's nothing else I can do, so we played the gig and he did the lead on that song. Then I left on my trip.
When I came back, I found that that song was still in the set list for the next gig, which was yesterday. At every rehearsal (three of them), we practiced the song and Jeff took the lead. Then, in the very last rehearsal before yesterday's gig, when we're about to play the song, Jeff said, "Who's taking lead on this?" The band was confused, and I pointed out that he'd played lead on this all along, and he said yeah, but that was the last gig (which by this point was three months ago), and he's not going to play the lead on it this time.
The band had a discussion. The song is good for sax (that's Jeff) or clarinet (me), so Tim (trombone) wasn't going to play it. Cornet (Vicki, our excellent cornet player) is okay, but it turned out that Vicki had lead on every other song but one and she already expected to be exhausted. (She actually started to struggle and fail at the end of yesterday's gig, she had to play so much.) So I agreed to take the lead on that song.
We practiced it a couple of times, and honestly, I was not particularly happy with it - it had been quite a while since I'd practiced it and I wasn't sure I could really pull it off. I spent a good amount of time during the week working on it, and met with Tim to work on it as well.
So, yesterday, we got to the gig and as we're setting up, Jeff goes, "Okay, who's taking lead on this song?" I responded, "I am," and he said, "No." Just like that, and of course without looking at me. Vicki said, "But she's got it all ready," and he shook his head. I said, "If you prefer me not to take the lead on this, that's okay, I won't," and he went, "No," again, and again refusing to look at me at all. So Vicki had to take it.
And that really was the last straw. Jeff deliberately set me up to fail. There's no other way I can interpret his actions: refusing to play something that he'd insisted on originally and had been playing for months; making this change at the rehearsal right before the gig so that I wouldn't have time to work it up to an acceptable level; and then refusing to let me do the thing that he made me do.
I'm going to reiterate again: I know that I'm not a good musician, that I'm way below the level of Tim, Jeff, and Vicki, and that I'm definitely holding the band back from whatever it is that they want to do. (I don't even feel that the label "musician" is applicable to me, not at the level I play at.) I would have been fine if they'd told me what they didn't like and what I'd have to improve, or if they'd asked me to leave. Sure, it would have hurt (how can it not?) but that's for me to work out. And Tim has been offering coaching and concrit all this time and I've really appreciated that, and I've worked with it - I know that I can receive criticism fairly.
I've talked to Tim about Jeff, both in the past and this weekend. There's definitely a disconnect between what Jeff wants for the band and what Tim and Vicki wants - and I think that that's going to continue to cause them problems, as they try to drive the band in different directions. I think that Jeff really wants the band to go professional, though Tim thinks that Jeff's sights are not set quite that high. Tim and Vicki want the band to be a jamming band, where the players come together to have fun making music. (Vicki has her own professional jazz band and sees this band as the one she can relax in.) So, they're willing to tolerate mistakes and learning - and they have to, as I'm not the only beginner jazz musician in the group; the tuba and the piano are also newbies. (And the piano player is a lot worse a musician than I am; it's just that the piano is not as front and center as the clarinet.)
Jeff's also difficult to manage. He really wants to play his instrument, which you'd think is a good thing, right? But there are rules about when you should play and when you shouldn't play - such as, if someone else is playing a solo, you shouldn't play. But, Jeff wants to play, so he'll pick up his instrument and start playing during another person's solo - and Tim cannot convince him to stop it. If you ask, he'll say something like he thought it would sound better if he added a harmony or a response to their solo line. But you know, "solo" means just that - alone. Jeff does not respect that at all.
Sometimes we play arranged music, which is music that's written out so that each person is playing a specific part. (In jazz music, you generally don't have separate concrete written parts for each person.) The idea is that if everyone plays what's on the page, it all sounds great together. Jeff, of course, will just play whatever the hell he wants. Sometimes it's good, but sometimes, the piece is designed to have the instruments synchronized, and we end up with the trombone, trumpet, and clarinet perfectly together and the saxophone playing something completely different, ruining the effect.
But the thing that I object to the most about Jeff is that he didn't treat me like an adult. If he doesn't like the way I play, then he should tell me what he doesn't like so that I can work on fixing it. It's called constructive criticism. If he doesn't want me in the band, then he should say so, to either me or Tim; don't pretend that he wants me in the band but then put obstacles in my way so that I leave. And bloody look me in the eye when you're talking to me.
The most charitable interpretation I can give of his actions is that he didn't want to hurt my feelings by saying negative things about my ability. But that doesn't help anything. There's a term for that, "ruinous empathy": withholding constructive criticism because you don't want to hurt the person's feeling. It's "ruinous" because the person never hears the concrit and therefore never improves. And it's false empathy: you're claiming you're being nice to them because you're not hurting their feelings, but you're actually making sure that they continue to fail by not telling them what they need to hear.
Anyway, the deed's been done, and I've given Jeff what I presume he's wanted all this time. We had another gig today, and after it was done, I bid my goodbyes to the band. I'm going to stick with the jazz class, because I've been learning tons from it and it's kind of half a class and half a band, so I'll get to perform with them.
The tl;dr of the cut is that things have been frustrating and stressful due to interpersonal stuff, not music stuff. I announced to the band that I was leaving after we finished our performance today, and I have to say, I felt really happy from that moment on. Not like a huge burden was lifted, but more like, hey, freedom from responsibility tastes really nice. Maybe I can get back to enjoying playing music again, without having to worry about band politics.
My husband has survived the latest round, but now it's almost guaranteed that he'll be cut at the beginning of the year. Basically, his project is for the minor client who is funded by the major client... or I should say was funded by the major client, who just cut them as well. They are able to pay for my husband and two other people, but not for very long.
So, my former company, which at one time employed over sixty people, is down to about a dozen, and over half of that is staff, meaning, people who are not paid for by clients. The company is not actively looking for new clients because it's the end of the year, and is planning to start searching in January. Honestly, if they do manage to land a client, I have no idea how they're going to staff the project, with no engineers left.
Anyway, that's been the major downer. The other news is that I quit the trad jazz band I've been playing with for the past year and a half.
(Long rant behind the cut...)
The band is run (sort of) by Tim, the conductor of the very casual concert band that I've played with for the past dozen years or so. He and two other guys, Jeff and Charles, started it in like 2019 or so out of jam sessions they were having at the local Elks' lodge. At this point, the only original members of the band that are still there are Tim, Jeff, and Jeff's wife Tamara - all of the others have rotated out for various reasons.
Tim invited me to join the band when their clarinet player, Trish, had to leave due to medical issues, and that was around the beginning 2023. I told him at the time that I'm not all that great a clarinet player and that I know nothing about jazz, and that with a full-time job, I don't have all that much time to practice. He was fine with that: it's just a jamming band, nothing serious, and as long as I was willing to learn, I'd be welcome. So I said okay.
I started playing with them and learning jazz, and it was a lot of fun, though very difficult for me, as a musician trained on classical music. I've found that I do have some instinct that I can use, listening to chord progressions and having a pretty good idea of what I can improvise to fit, but of course, I'm not all that great at it - but I was learning and improving. I remember in each of the first few gigs that I played in, through 2023, I had a couple of songs where I was playing the lead (the melody) and usually one song where I had an improv solo.
And I've been trying. I've been practicing more (though nowhere near enough), meeting up with Tim for instruction, and taking a jazz music class with a local teacher. Tim's been working with me on some problem areas, though he's not a woodwind expert and really wanted me to take lessons from a clarinet specialist.
Thing is, though, things have changed in the past year. I haven't had a lead or a solo in months, and it's became very apparent why: Jeff doesn't like the way I play and so he's doing every passive-aggressive thing he can to keep me from playing.
So here's why it finally came to a head. Back in July, we started working on a particular song and Tim assigned me lead on it, and it was the only song in the set that I would have lead or solo on. In each rehearsal, we were playing it with me on lead, and I was focusing on practicing it at home. Jeff and Tam went on vacation, and at the first rehearsal when they came back, Jeff claimed the lead on the song. I went and talked to him afterwards and said that I don't have anything to do in this set, so could I please take lead on that song, especially since I'd been working on it. He said, "No, it's okay, I've got it," as if I had offered to take a burden off him and he was doing me a favor by doing it himself, and he wouldn't even look at me while saying this.
Okay, fine, I tried but there's nothing else I can do, so we played the gig and he did the lead on that song. Then I left on my trip.
When I came back, I found that that song was still in the set list for the next gig, which was yesterday. At every rehearsal (three of them), we practiced the song and Jeff took the lead. Then, in the very last rehearsal before yesterday's gig, when we're about to play the song, Jeff said, "Who's taking lead on this?" The band was confused, and I pointed out that he'd played lead on this all along, and he said yeah, but that was the last gig (which by this point was three months ago), and he's not going to play the lead on it this time.
The band had a discussion. The song is good for sax (that's Jeff) or clarinet (me), so Tim (trombone) wasn't going to play it. Cornet (Vicki, our excellent cornet player) is okay, but it turned out that Vicki had lead on every other song but one and she already expected to be exhausted. (She actually started to struggle and fail at the end of yesterday's gig, she had to play so much.) So I agreed to take the lead on that song.
We practiced it a couple of times, and honestly, I was not particularly happy with it - it had been quite a while since I'd practiced it and I wasn't sure I could really pull it off. I spent a good amount of time during the week working on it, and met with Tim to work on it as well.
So, yesterday, we got to the gig and as we're setting up, Jeff goes, "Okay, who's taking lead on this song?" I responded, "I am," and he said, "No." Just like that, and of course without looking at me. Vicki said, "But she's got it all ready," and he shook his head. I said, "If you prefer me not to take the lead on this, that's okay, I won't," and he went, "No," again, and again refusing to look at me at all. So Vicki had to take it.
And that really was the last straw. Jeff deliberately set me up to fail. There's no other way I can interpret his actions: refusing to play something that he'd insisted on originally and had been playing for months; making this change at the rehearsal right before the gig so that I wouldn't have time to work it up to an acceptable level; and then refusing to let me do the thing that he made me do.
I'm going to reiterate again: I know that I'm not a good musician, that I'm way below the level of Tim, Jeff, and Vicki, and that I'm definitely holding the band back from whatever it is that they want to do. (I don't even feel that the label "musician" is applicable to me, not at the level I play at.) I would have been fine if they'd told me what they didn't like and what I'd have to improve, or if they'd asked me to leave. Sure, it would have hurt (how can it not?) but that's for me to work out. And Tim has been offering coaching and concrit all this time and I've really appreciated that, and I've worked with it - I know that I can receive criticism fairly.
I've talked to Tim about Jeff, both in the past and this weekend. There's definitely a disconnect between what Jeff wants for the band and what Tim and Vicki wants - and I think that that's going to continue to cause them problems, as they try to drive the band in different directions. I think that Jeff really wants the band to go professional, though Tim thinks that Jeff's sights are not set quite that high. Tim and Vicki want the band to be a jamming band, where the players come together to have fun making music. (Vicki has her own professional jazz band and sees this band as the one she can relax in.) So, they're willing to tolerate mistakes and learning - and they have to, as I'm not the only beginner jazz musician in the group; the tuba and the piano are also newbies. (And the piano player is a lot worse a musician than I am; it's just that the piano is not as front and center as the clarinet.)
Jeff's also difficult to manage. He really wants to play his instrument, which you'd think is a good thing, right? But there are rules about when you should play and when you shouldn't play - such as, if someone else is playing a solo, you shouldn't play. But, Jeff wants to play, so he'll pick up his instrument and start playing during another person's solo - and Tim cannot convince him to stop it. If you ask, he'll say something like he thought it would sound better if he added a harmony or a response to their solo line. But you know, "solo" means just that - alone. Jeff does not respect that at all.
Sometimes we play arranged music, which is music that's written out so that each person is playing a specific part. (In jazz music, you generally don't have separate concrete written parts for each person.) The idea is that if everyone plays what's on the page, it all sounds great together. Jeff, of course, will just play whatever the hell he wants. Sometimes it's good, but sometimes, the piece is designed to have the instruments synchronized, and we end up with the trombone, trumpet, and clarinet perfectly together and the saxophone playing something completely different, ruining the effect.
But the thing that I object to the most about Jeff is that he didn't treat me like an adult. If he doesn't like the way I play, then he should tell me what he doesn't like so that I can work on fixing it. It's called constructive criticism. If he doesn't want me in the band, then he should say so, to either me or Tim; don't pretend that he wants me in the band but then put obstacles in my way so that I leave. And bloody look me in the eye when you're talking to me.
The most charitable interpretation I can give of his actions is that he didn't want to hurt my feelings by saying negative things about my ability. But that doesn't help anything. There's a term for that, "ruinous empathy": withholding constructive criticism because you don't want to hurt the person's feeling. It's "ruinous" because the person never hears the concrit and therefore never improves. And it's false empathy: you're claiming you're being nice to them because you're not hurting their feelings, but you're actually making sure that they continue to fail by not telling them what they need to hear.
Anyway, the deed's been done, and I've given Jeff what I presume he's wanted all this time. We had another gig today, and after it was done, I bid my goodbyes to the band. I'm going to stick with the jazz class, because I've been learning tons from it and it's kind of half a class and half a band, so I'll get to perform with them.
The tl;dr of the cut is that things have been frustrating and stressful due to interpersonal stuff, not music stuff. I announced to the band that I was leaving after we finished our performance today, and I have to say, I felt really happy from that moment on. Not like a huge burden was lifted, but more like, hey, freedom from responsibility tastes really nice. Maybe I can get back to enjoying playing music again, without having to worry about band politics.
